“I can’t go on like this,” I heard myself think, “This is taking way too much of my emotional energy. I have friends, goals, and positive experiences I could be spending this energy on. Instead I’ve spent the last five days beating myself up by re-playing an embarrassing fear-filled story.”
Do you ever find yourself doing that?! Getting stuck on a past moment in your life telling yourself all the ways you could have and should have done it differently?!
Most of us stay here, spinning in this moment of “I wish I had” or “I wish I hadn’t” or “If only…” haphazardly spending our emotional energy on something we can’t change and making ourselves feel bad about ourselves which robs others of our inspiration.
I’ve been learning that this defeating recording can be transformed to an empowering experience if I take a moment to consciously watch myself think, rehearse all the possible stories, and choose what story to put on repeat...
“Did you hear what happened?” a co-worker asked me when I came in to trade shifts.
“No,” I said and listened to her tell me about what went down the night before.
The next day another coworker came in to trade shifts with me, “Did you hear what happened?” she asked.
“Yes,” I said, “But you can tell me your version.”
And, so she did. In case you were wondering their stories matched up, but their perspective of the “villain” and the “hero” were swapped...lol.
All that to say, for any experience there’s more than one story. There’s more than one perspective. And depending on your values, there’s more than one truth.
Motivational books will tell you that you get to choose the story you tell yourself. I never found that very helpful, because what I needed them to tell me, and I’m gonna tell you to is:
There is always more than one story.
THAT, my friend, is why you get to CHOOSE the story you tell yourself. The story you’re telling yourself - the story you’re beating yourself up with, is not the ONLY story.
This being the case, we need to become pros at reading all the stories and choosing the best story to tell ourselves.
Here’s the system I use:
1) Take note of what you’re saying to yourself - that recording that’s going round and round...Stop it for a few seconds. Watch yourself think it.
What thoughts are you thinking?
What are you saying to yourself about yourself?
What are those thoughts making you feel?
2) Take note of the truth - all the truth. The truth in the thoughts you’re currently thinking and the truth in the thoughts you’re NOT thinking.
What are the true thoughts that I’m already thinking?
What are truths about this situation I’m not considering?
3) Take note of which thoughts are life-giving. This is where you acknowledge all the truth and choose to repeat only the truths to yourself that are life-giving.
4) Wish the other person the best in their new season.
Sometimes this means the other person. Sometimes this is you: Acknowledge that in the moment you showed up in the best way possible (or not the best way possible) and learned from your experience.
5) Rewrite the recording for yourself.
I highly recommend setting aside 15-30min and writing yourself a physical note. The physical act of writing connect the thoughts and emotions, by putting action behind the new thoughts which solidify this new recording in your heart.
Attatch a new positive feeling or emotion to this new recording.
Everytime your mind re-visits this scenario actively choose this new recording and emotion.
We don’t have limitless emotional energy. If we want to show up to our goals and relationships from a positive and powerful place instead of rehearing short-comings and embarrassing moments we have must choose the story that builds ourselves up instead of beats us up.